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Listening Is The Key To Good Communication »

Listening Is The Key To Good Communication

As a pastor for more than 32 years, I have participated in my fir share of weddings as well as having had the pleasure of counseling many couples. I am a big fan or marriage – when it’s right. But getting it right can be as difficult as baking a soufflé in a wood-burning stove.

This year (September 2008), marriage takes on new significance in my life. I celebrate 26 years of marriage to my beautiful wife, Serita, and I also will see my youngest daughter marry. For my wife and me, it is a celebration of survival against many odds. But for my daughter and her fiancé, it’s the beginning of an expedition filled with wonderment and warnings, amorous connections and deeply spiritual contemplation.

While I have cause to celebrate marriage, most do not. The statistics say it all: percentage of population that is married: 59 percent (down from 62 percent in 1990, 72 percent in 1970); percentage that is divorced: 10 percent (up from 8 percent in 1990, 6 percent in 1980).

Marriage failure is more common and it is not isolated to any one social or economic class. One can enjoy professional success and still fail miserably in marriage. Financial struggles have always been leading causes of divorce, but when you add the current economic climate, filled with unemployment, home foreclosures, vehicle repossessions, and insurmountable credit card debt, maintaining a successful marriage takes on a different dynamic. Economic instability can lead to erosion in eroticism and wreak mayhem in marriage.

Communication is important in a relationship, but what I find is that is not that couples don’t communicate – they don’t listen. It is not enough to tell people to communicate when they don’t know how to listen. Let me share five tips that will help you become a better listener and a better mate.

  • Listen With Your Ears

    Sometimes when we discuss things as important, passionate and personal as money, child-raising and sex, while the mate is talking, we are not listening but preparing our argument. We must listen with our ears and shut down the desire to immediately defend our position. The ears work better when windpipes are closed.

    Listen With Your Mind

    Words come from the speaker’s background and perspective. Many times words are based on a point of reference that you may not be aware of. So don’t just listen to their words, but listen with your mind, understand where they came from and what they went through.

    Listen With Your Heart

    Many times words do not convey what’s in the heart; so when you listen, heat what is said but also what is meant. Compassion is a critical part of understanding. It is difficult to love people without understanding them. Love seeks to understand. Listening with your heart will take away your natural propensity to be selfish.

    Listen With Humility

    I often will repeat what has been said to make sure I heard the speaker correctly. Make sure you understand your mate clearly. Half of the ways in the home start from misunderstanding. Many times couples are angry over what they thought they other meant and not what was intended. Humility is a hearing aid and saves the soul the expense of the apology later.

    Listen With Prayer

    It is critical to know that everything about your companion cannot be worked out with the assistance of God. During disagreements in relationships, many become frustrated because they want to fix what is wrong with their spouse. However, the repair comes from the manufacturer, God himself, and not from man. So prayer to God to help what ails your relationship is always the key. If men and women speak different languages, and they do, then try asking God to teach you the love language of the person you married. Too many times I have found that one of you is saying what the other desperately needs to hear, but it is being said in a foreign love language.

    Bishop T.D. Jakes, pastor of the 30,000-member Potter’s House in Dallas, Texas, is also a successful, best-selling author.

    How to Communicate With Men in a Relationship »

    Understanding And Communicating Better With Men

    Most women get frustrated when trying to understand how to communicate with men in their lives. However, most women need to improve their skills when it comes to understanding and communicating better with men.

    Women generally talk to men in languages they believe their men should be able to understand. Unfortunately, to a lot of men, their women often appear to be speaking in foreign languages they hardly understand.

    Women understand themselves so much and very easily land on the same page when discussing a lot of issues. Unfortunately, women expect the same degree of understanding from their men.

    The problem is that most women fail to understand the differences between how men and women communicate their feelings.

    I have come to the conclusion that at the core of conflict there is a breakdown in communication and the parties’ inability to understand each other. A conflict is often a dialogue of the deaf.

    Aldo Civico, Ph.D.

    It is therefore imperative that women have a clear picture of how men think, listen, and express their feelings. This will greatly help any woman when it comes to learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man.

    Why Men and Women Communicate Differently

    How to Communicate in a Relationship with a Man - Romantic young couple sitting in bedroom and looking at each other

    An undeniable fact is that there are significant and consistent differences in communication styles between men and women. Knowing and coming to terms with these differences is the first step towards smoothing out communication in your relationship.

    In this respect, there are both biological and psychological aspects to why men and women communicate in different ways. Understanding these underlying elements of why men and women communicate differently is paramount in truly understanding how to communicate with men.

    But at the end of the day, human are dynamics and their relationships are not sustained purely by these explanations.

    The onus is on the individuals involved in the relationship to devise their ways to work out how best to communicate with each other.

    Biological Effects on Gender Communication Differences

    Having Better Communication With Men - Happy blonde woman talking with husband during walk on beach

    It’s an established fact that the male and female brains are wired differently. This is perhaps the primary reason why the genders communicate differently.

    Biologically, men and women process information differently. For instance, during a mental task, the parts of the brain that are involved in solving the task are concentrated in a few centers of a man’s brain.

    However, for a woman involved in a similar task, there are multiple sites throughout the left and right hemispheres that are involved in trying to solve the problem.

    Also, women tend to have higher concentrations of the neurotransmitter dopamine in the part of the brain responsible for “language and memory.”[1]

    Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.

    Nat Turner

    Ever wondered why men have a notorious reputation for forgetting birthdays, anniversaries, and other important dates? The dopamine effect makes women better at recalling memories faster, more accurately, and in specific detail.

    Also, research indicates that when women commit a situation to memory, there’s normally an extra amount of blood flow to the part of their brains that stores and retrieves those situations.

    These increased abilities of a woman’s brain function make it easier for her to bring up incidents from the past. As a result, a lot of men simply don’t “get it” as quickly as most women do when it comes to communication.

    The Thinking and Feeling Switch

    How to Communicate Your Needs to a Man - Happy mixed-race couple enjoying a conversation outdoors

    Apart from the fact that culture requires a man to be composed and strong, there’s another “neurological obstacle” to his conversation ability.

    This is the fact that while women can think and feel at the same time, men can only “think or feel”. Thus, while women can successfully do both simultaneously, men have to switch from speech to emotions and back.

    Obviously, this process requires a lot of energy and focus from him.

    Thus, a woman’s suggestion to want to have a discussion might become a challenge for a man. This is obviously the case when he considers the need for him to switch gears between thinking and feeling.

    The process of switching from their heads to their hearts during an emotional conversation generally deters a lot of men from talking about their feelings.

    Also, it’s naturally very difficult for men to attach words to the emotions they feel and to then get back on track during an emotional conversation. When they’re able to do this very quickly, they often feel like the world is being sucked out of them.

    Psychological Effects on Gender Communication Styles

    Ways to Communicate Better With Men - African - American couple chatting while sitting on the floor of new apartment

    There are also psychological and social factors at play with respect to why men and women communicate differently.

    Various psychological studies have confirmed that women in relationships talk simply to bond. Oftentimes, they want to have a conversation without having a real intention to communicate any sort of relevant information.

    While this might not be a bad thing for women, many men find it difficult understanding such an interaction. Such a mode of communication simply leaves him confused and frustrated.

    When talking about a problem, women want empathy and understanding but men offer solutions.

    John Gray, Ph.D. “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”

    However, it’s important to realize that despite these generalizations of the possible reasons why men and women communicate differently, they don’t necessarily apply to all men and all women.

    It is necessary to realize that different people may have different styles of communicating. This is more practical than to assume that all men communicate one way and all women communicate another way.

    Understanding the Basics of How Men Communicate

    1. Men Need a Focal Point During Conversation

    Understanding How Men Communicate - Happy couple talking on balcony drinking tea

    Men are generally goal-oriented. They are predisposed to feeling more relaxed operating within boundaries they are comfortable with.

    This way, they are able to retain a feeling of being in charge over whatsoever circumstances they may be in. Thus, most men prefer to have a focus in mind when they are having a conversation with a woman.

    They generally like knowing what the purpose of the discussion is all about and what is expected from them. Under these conditions, most men have a better sense of what they are doing when talking with a woman.

    How Women Communicate

    How To Communicate With Men - Happy couple smiling at each while relaxing in bed during Christmas

    Women on the other hand are generally somewhat unclear, imprecise, and open-minded. This style of communication doesn’t give the man any direction to follow.

    There are often no clear boundaries within which the conversation can meaningfully build up for him. This might make him to become somehow uncomfortable. As a result, he’s more likely to become reluctant in contributing constructively to the discussion at hand.

    At the same time, while women are more process-oriented, men are rather goal-oriented. This ability allows women to be able to chat without having any concrete idea about where the conversation is heading. In fact, there are often no exact points to what their conversation is all about.

    However, this type of conversation while enjoyable by women, make most men uninterested in pursuing it. They are more likely to appear resistant, become argumentative, or might even attempt putting off having such future discussions.

    The reality is that it is intrinsic in women to enjoy the process of being able to express themselves verbally.

    This partly explains why women are generally more relationship oriented while men are goal oriented. Yet, the lack of understanding of these differences can have massive impact on the way both genders communicate.

    Bridging the Divide

    Ways to Communicate with Men - Happy young couple relaxing and chatting in bed

    Thus, when a woman wants to talk to a man, it is better to give him an outline about what the discussion is centered on. It might also help stating what she’s hoping to achieve and what exactly is being expected from him.

    This helps him mentally map out what the objective of the discussion is all about. It helps him to feel more at home in getting drawn into the conversation.

    Also, it helps a lot to ask him detailed questions that may help in structuring the conversation for him.

    Communication Issues to Avoid

    There are certain strategies you might want to avoid if you truly want to understand how to communicate in a relationship with a man. Topping this list is being vague about what’s actually troubling you.

    You might also want to avoid giving him tip-offs about something you want. There’s also the need to avoid testing your man. Ask him directly what his views are about a subject rather than casually asking about what he thinks.

    Most of these strategies might make him feel manipulated and become annoyed.

    2. Men Only Communicate the End Result of their Internalized Thinking Process

    How to Understand and Communicate With Men - Smiling young lady expectantly looking at her husband

    Men are generally afraid of showing their fears or uncertainties. Thus, most men will only answer when they are sure about the answer or solution to any given situation.

    The fear of being wrong often makes most men not to give a quick answer. Thus, they’ll prefer “to think about it” than answering immediately. This gives them ample time to think over and refine their answers.

    While men internalize their thinking process, women on the other hand express their thinking process out loud. In general, women “think out loud.”

    Men confront problems in a linear, pragmatic fashion, step-by-step. And if it’s a superemotional issue, they require time and space to process what to do.

    Bill Lampton, Ph.D. “The Complete Communicator”

    This gives most men the impression that women “talk too much.” But the actual fact is that she’s simply trying to express herself in her most natural way.

    This way of talking about problems is what helps most women make up their minds about their feelings. It is what gives them more insight into the problem they might be trying to solve.

    Unfortunately, what men want is a straightforward statement of what the problem at hand is. No fluffs, just what the problem is.

    3. Men Find it Difficult Getting in Touch With their Emotions

    Effectively Communicate in a Relationship With a Man - Smiling young lady embracing husband

    Men do not have a lot of emotions but are definitely not emotionless. To most men, the inner world of emotions is an unfamiliar and dreadful terrain to venture into.

    On a general note, men find it much easier staying in their heads. Contrariwise, women are far more familiar with their emotions and articulating their feelings.

    The lack of self-assurance about their emotional feelings make men apprehensive when trying to explore or express their feelings.

    Humans generally feel comfortable with what they are familiar with. Thus, men feel controlled by anything they are not good at since they don’t have power or control over it.

    This is why men try as much as possible to avoid their emotional worlds. They dread not having the emotional power to control their feelings.

    Unfortunately, a lot of women often misinterpret this weakness in men. Because of this, some women feel that the men in their lives are not sensitive but rather dispassionate and uncaring.

    Thus, while it might look like most men do not feel anything, the reverse is often the case. The problem is that they actually find it difficult to “get in touch” with and articulate what they are feeling.

    When most men are pressed to talk and are uncertain of what to say to their partners, they might want to change the subject.

    There are even the unfortunate instances when a man might verbally attack his woman in a bid to buy time. The idea is often to use the time to figure out what precisely is happening within him.

    But this should be a situation that should never be entertained in any healthy love relationship. Empathy should always rule during conversations with your partner.

    5 Quick Tips on How to Communicate With Men

    A. Stay Focused

    Since men need a focal point during conversation, it’s therefore necessary for women to stick to the subject at hand. This is one of the most important rules in learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man.

    Bringing up too many situations into a single discussion essentially reduces the chances of having a meaningful discussion with your man.

    So, you might want to ensure that you have the topic of conversation beforehand and stick to it if you really want to get your man’s attention.

    B. Avoid Making Assumptions

    Ways to Communicate in a Relationship With a Man - Beautiful young couple trying a kiss

    Always remember that your man cannot read your mind. So, when you want to ask him for anything, it is highly advisable not to give him hints. Instead, tell him specifically what it is that you want from him.

    It is tempting to make conclusions on your own and also to create different scenarios in your head about your man’s statements during a discussion.

    However, you need to get rid of all possible assumptions you might have if you really want to effectively communicate in a relationship with a man.

    Such assumptive conclusions may have nothing to do with reality but simply based on fragments of truth. This is one thing you must avoid at all cost.

    Instead, you should discuss the issue directly with your man and hear what exactly he has to say about it.

    If you’re assuming there might be a deeper interpretation that was meant, directly ask him if there was. Always make your verifications directly rather than harshly jumping the gun and assuming things.

    C. Get His Attention

    How to Communicate Effectively With a Man - Young African-American lady whispering into her smiling husband's ear

    One of the root causes of the problems in male-female communication is perhaps the fact that women are born multitaskers. A woman’s ability to talk with good concentration while doing other things is a quality most men do not possess.

    As a result, you shouldn’t expect to have a meaningful conversation if he’s reading a newspaper or watching TV. Also, don’t start important conversations when he’s busy, answering phone calls, or fidgeting with something else.

    To keep his attention during a conversation, you need to select a time when he won’t be distracted at all. You need to ensure that he can focus entirely on what you want to say if you want him to actively listen to you.

    Communication is a bridge, and you can never progress in a relationship without this bridge!

    Thus, it’s good to select a good time and conducive place where you can both have an uninterrupted conversation. Pick a place where both of you feel safe and comfortable or simply in your home if you live together.

    If you aren’t living together yet, it’s best to pick a neutral place. This should be a place where neither of you will have any sort of advantage over the other.

    Thus, if you want your man to take you seriously, you need to get his full attention and ensure that he’s concentrating on your conversation.

    D. No Blame Games

    Understanding and Communicating With Men - Happy young couple chatting while relaxing on sofa

    In learning how to communicate with men, one important thing is not to be negative when trying to make a point.

    For instance, while it might feel very tempting to play the blame game, it is something that you should avoid at all cost.

    It is simply unproductive and you’ll get nowhere by continuing to accuse each other and trying to put the blame on one person only. However, you need to learn how to take your share of the responsibility.

    On the contrary, you’ll achieve better success in communicating with your man if you speak positively with him. A positive approach will help to lower his guard, warm him up, and allow for an open and smooth communication.

    For instance, you might want to bring his attention to the reduced amount of time both of you spend together.

    Instead of blaming him outrightly, it’s better to calmly tell him how much you miss his presence. You can then sincerely chip in how much you would like to spend more time with him.

    To maintain a truly healthy long-term relationship, both of you need to start developing a culture of working together towards solving problems in the relationship.

    In fact, there’s the need for both of you to imbibe the philosophy that you’re not fighting with each. You should rather have it behind your mind that both of you are fighting against the problem you’re dealing with in your relationship.

    However, when a man feels judged and misunderstood, it often makes him become irritated, more defiant, and stubborn. He’s also likely to become unwilling in showing the kind of emotional reaction his woman may be asking of him.

    E. Be Direct with Him

    How to Communicate Effectively With a Man - Happy couple smiling at each on their balcony during sunset

    The truth is that it has been scientifically proven that men have a shorter attention span that women. This can have a significant effect on the success of your conversation with your man.

    After conversing for a while, he’s very likely to lose focus though still there with you in person.

    Thus, it’s important to make your discussions as brief and as detailed as possible. The best way to achieve this is by being as direct as possible when discussing with your man.

    With all empathy, try to make your point known without using too many winding words. Speak out directly and avoid making long introductions and conclusions.

    Learn to cut the chase and directly tell him what it is you want from him with utmost clarity.

    If there are a lot of issues you want to discuss with him, then you might want to save some of them for later.

    So, if while discussing you notice that your man has stopped listening before you finished making your points, it’s best to end the discussion at that point.

    Essentially, you need to quickly verbalize your emotions and thoughts in detail. This has to be done in as little time as possible and in as few words as you can muster.

    Simply put, when it comes to how to communicate with men, there is no beating around the bush or sending of mixed signals.

    Your man has little or no capacity for reading between the lines and most importantly, he isn’t a mind reader.

    Understanding that your man loses interest quickly when dealing with peripheral issues and learning to be direct with him during your conversations will greatly improve your communication with him.

    In Conclusion…

    In learning how to communicate in a relationship with a man, you must try to avoid overwhelming him with your emotions and outburst when discussing.

    So, avoid pouring all your emotions on him at the same time while expecting him to respond positively.

    One fast tip on how to communicate with men is to find ways to quickly get him out of his head and into his heart. Your best bet would perhaps be to trying to physically touch him. Try to hold his hands, rest your hand on his arm, or simply hug him.

    Men are intimately attached to their bodies. Thus, your physical touch can help bring him into a more sensitive and amenable state of mind.


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    Wondering how to communicate in a relationship with a man? It's worth realizing that communication is a bridge, and you can never progress in a relationship without this bridge! Knowing what your man wants and letting him know exactly what you want in your relationship lies in being able to effectively communicate these needs. Here are eight (8) great tips that will help you bridge that communication gap in your relationship with your man.

    The Biology Of Joy »

    The Biology of Joy

    By Michael D. Lemonick

    Scientist know plenty of about depression. Now they are starting to understand the roots of positive emotion.

    RICHARD DAVIDSON WAS IN A LAB OBSERVING A BUDDHIST MONK SINK deep into serene meditation when he noticed something that sent his own pulse racing. Davidson, a professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin, hurriedly double-checked the data streaming to his computer from electrodes attached to the monk’s skull, but there was no mistake. …Continue Reading »

    Overcoming Shyness »

    Overcoming Shyness

    Ideally, almost everyone is a little bit shy and self-conscious to some extent but rationally speaking, shyness while a general problem for both sexes seems to be more common among men in general. This can be attributed to the fact that society places the man in the role of the “seeker”.

    It is a natural response to being unfamiliar with the rules for social interaction by not being sure of how you’re supposed to act, so you end up being quiet, feeling awkward, and generally being highly conscious of being out of depth.

    The major problem with being shy is the fact that it virtually makes you to be too focused on yourself often to the total neglect of others around you as you are always prone to be thinking about just yourself – how am I looking? Does he or she like me or not?

    Being shy creates the impression that you are not friendly, timid, insensitive, distrustful and uninteresting to be with. It kind of creates a sense of inferiority complex which in turn will affect your ability to succeed in many other areas of life apart from just relationships.

    There is a lot shy people miss out of in life just because of being in their “little corner” of the world which of course they have helped themselves knowingly or unknowingly in getting holed-in. This may further lead to total reclusion. In this state, dating or building relationship bonds can only be a nightmare.

    Shyness can therefore keep one from the three fundamentals of successful dating which are 1) getting out there, 2) taking chances, and 3) enjoying life. These are basically the fundamentals to successful dating, so it’s absolutely important getting rid of that shyness and start living life again.

    Fortunately, shyness is one those traits or habits that most people grow out of as they grow older and develop confidence by their daily interact with more people. This is true because almost everyone is shy at a certain point in their life, most especially when young.

  • To overcome shyness, below are a few tips that are sure to help any shy individual get over this problem.

    1. Learning to trust yourself can help you overcome distrustful shyness. Getting to know your individuality, valuing, cherishing, admiring, and respecting who you are as an individual, is a great starter in freeing yourself from distrustful shyness. If there is no trust or value for yourself as an individual, there is no way you can start trusting others. Self confidence and trust in yourself will help you in forgetting about yourself as your trust in yourself grows thus the feeling of self consciousness will gradually erode while you start developing consideration and care for others unconsciously.
    2. The fear of rejection is arguably the biggest problem in starting a new relationship with someone to whom you are attracted. There is the fear that you will be rejected, that you won’t know what to say, and that you won’t know how to act. This is truer for the men and to a lesser degree for the women.

      Fear and anxiety will produce distinct psychological consequences, and if there is anything that is going to hinder your success in dating, it is nothing but fear.

      To overcome this problem, approach the individual with the sole purpose of picking them up as your friend or your brother/sister. Once your ego is out of the way, you’ll be able approach the issue from a completely different perspective and with greater chances of success.

      Always try and remember that no matter how many people are not interested in you, that there are many more people who would be delighted to have the pleasure of your company.

      Rejection is just a risk you will have to take and learning to not take it personal, accepting it as a part of the process of dating, would help heal any wounds that rejection might cause. Acceptance feels great, and you’ll never experience it if you don’t take a chance on that individual.

    3. Shy people always fear that they are being evaluated negatively. They think that they are always being watched, being sized and constantly under scrutiny by others while in reality they are the ones doing this to others.

      It is advisable to stop judging and sizing up others and stop the thinking that others are always doing this to you. This attitude breeds insecurity and self-centeredness as you are always worrying about how other see YOU, feel about YOU and how they judge YOU. It is all about YOU.

      Try and put yourself for once in other people’s position and realize that most people are shy and are usually waiting for someone to make the first move. This realization can help you once you understand that are not alone in your plight for acceptability with others.

    4. Practice smiling and making eye contact first with those strangers who don’t intimidate you, then with people who intimidate you to varying degrees and then finally those you are attracted to. You can start by smiling to at least 3-5 people in a day and then grow the list.
    5. Start making positive but candid compliments about people with the sole aim of making them feel good about themselves. It might be difficult for a start but once this can be kept up with, the benefits in developing your confidence while conversing with others will be immense.
    6. Move around a busy public place and try opening up lines of communication with strangers who don’t intimidate you and get used to being around people. Join activity groups or may be take a class, go to church more regular, go to a hobby club, the gym or exercise classes, attend parties of friends and colleagues, where you’d have the opportunity of talking to people. Open up to people in these groups and by all means try and socialize.
    7. A very big pothole to avoid when trying to overcome shyness with regard to the opposite sex is to avoid the “seeking a mate” mentality. Try and talk to the person as though you were both of the same sex and be completely uninterested romantically for a starter. People easy sense this “mate seeking tendency” and it can be a very big turnoff as it makes you seem desperate, needy and clingy and these are obvious traits most people avoid getting involved with.

    Out on Your First Date »

    The ideal first date should let you get to know the other person and let the other person get to know you. The object of dating is to be with a potential partner long enough and in enough different situations to find out how much you like them or, maybe, love them. …Continue Reading »

    First Date Fun Ideas »

    The whole idea of having fun during a date can be considered from different angles depending on the depth and duration of the relationship. However, the first date fun ideas can be a bit trickier than subsequent dates because of the pressure that often mounts meeting someone for the first time. …Continue Reading »

    First Date Conversation Tips »

    You’ve summoned up the courage and finally asked your partner for a date to which they’ve agreed. Your preparations are in top gear but like almost everyone else, your heart pounds with the agitation of what you are going to be discussing during the date. This can be a very trivial area but can often determine if you get a second date with your partner. …Continue Reading »